A flitch
What, you might wonder is a Flitch?
Well, dear friends, it is a salted and cured side of bacon. What you may question even further has this got to do with anything?
Well, later this summer three couples from the USA will be travelling to our fair shores in the hope of winning one in the famous Great Dunmow Flitch Trials on July 12th. Not only are our hopeful contestants all good friends of mine, lovers of pork products and officionados of beef jerky, but they all had their weddings photographed by your humble author.
The Dunmow Flitch Trials, which were first held way back in the thirteenth centuary, exist to award a flitch to ‘married couples’ if they can satisfy the Judge and Jury of 6 maidens and 6 bachelors that they haven’t made a ‘nuptual transgression’ and ‘not wisht themselves unmarried again’ in the last year and a day.’
The last few months has seen some careful planning, but now, the tickets are purchased, the applications have been sent and we await the verdict of the Flitch Committee….
Will our hopeful applicants be tried? Will they end up winning? Will they be paraded around Great Dunmow with a side of salted and cured bacon?
Its what dreams are made of…..
However, its a tough road to travel. The court sessions are attended by hundreds of Great Dunmowians, whose instincts have been honed over 800 years of flitch trialing.
Jeff and Erin on their wedding day, both making ‘notes-to-self’ to remember July 12th 2008, the date of the Flitch Trials
‘Yes its a long way to travel,’ explained Jeff, who has never had a cross word with his wife, Erin, and are making the journey from Nashville, Tennessee, ‘but even if we are not selected, I would like our presence and the snubbing of our application to be well noted at the trials.’
Chris and Nat on their wedding day. Don’t talk to him about sophistication!
‘I can trace my ancestors back to Barty St Vincent,’ explains Chris, whose love for his wife Natalie, is stronger today than it ever was, ‘and I know he’d be desperately disappointed if one of his ancestors was unable to compete for a flitch. After all, wasn’t it the great Sir Barty III that rid Sudbury of the terrible fire eating Dragon-Pig of 1437?’
Elaine and Shawn on their wedding day (before colour was invented.)
‘I realise this is not your typical vacation,’ mused Elaine, whose devotion to her dear husband, Shawn, knows no bounds, ‘but ever since I was a little girl I’ve dreamed of a white wedding, a happy home and an abundance of salted, cured pork.’
With the days ticking down to the application date, we can only hope that the efforts of these fine examples of married bliss are given a chance to stake their claim!
As an officiant of sorts in each of the above weddings I can assert the following regarding the applicants. Master Collins cried like a twice spanked infant the moment the lady Natalie chirped ‘I Do!’. As for the Cagnina’s, their mutual shouts of exaltation were easily heard above the parade of slide-happy trombones that circled the train of Elaine’s wedding gown. I do believe that Jeff’s agreeing to live in Nashville for seven or more years should speak enough of his accountability to Erin. Yet it should be known that Erin’s selfless sacrifices included sleeping in a 40 degree house with Jeff and I when heat could simply not be afforded be it only because of the rising cost of a proper saltpork.
Comment by William HFP — May 2, 2008 @ 5:28 pm
Mark,
You are on top form.
Your ability to make a pig in a poke sound like a silk purse is testimony to your days slaving away writing compelling advertising copy.
Your pictures are’nt bad either!
Nice one mate.
Nick
Comment by Nick Marson — May 2, 2008 @ 5:56 pm
In the infamous words of the legendary Shane Warne, Australian cricketing icon renowned for striking fear into the hearts of all Brits… “I remember the day that someone released a piglet onto the MCG… all I could think of was “flitch”, and I chased that little four legged squealing succulent all over the oval, much to the delight of my adoring 90,000 legion of fans. I’d even give up text messaging for a week just to partake in a bit of flitch.
Comment by Andy — May 9, 2008 @ 6:26 pm
[...] of you will have read an earlier blog entitled ‘The Quest for the Flitch,’ which was a heart-warming tale about three American couples applying to compete in the upcoming [...]
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